


Family Time

by sevendeadlyfun



Category: Jossverse
Genre: Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-29
Updated: 2010-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-11 07:43:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/110051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevendeadlyfun/pseuds/sevendeadlyfun





	Family Time

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[crack!fic](http://sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com/tag/crack%21fic), [me and kid](http://sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com/tag/me%20and%20kid)  
  
  
---|---  
  
  
Pairing: Angelus/Darla/Spike/Drusilla

Rating: PG-13

A/N: Co-written with [](http://kidcyclone.livejournal.com/profile)[**kidcylone**](http://kidcyclone.livejournal.com/) because we were bored and felt snerky.

Warnings: Crack!fic, porn fairies, wanktastic mentions, and character mockery

_   
**Family Time**   
_

  
(**Call_Me_Madame **joins  _Family Time_ chat)

(**ScourgeofEurope_264 **joints _Family Time _chat)

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Is this thing on?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Darla? Is that you?

**Call_Me_Madame**: Who else would it be?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: I'm not used to these things.

(**Spike** joins _Family Time_ chat)

**Spike**: Heh. Nice name…

**Call_Me_Madame**: What are YOU doing here? Isn't it past your bedtime?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: William! I told you Madame and I were going to spend some private time together.

**Spike**: No such thing as private on the Web on the web, mate.

**Spike**: And that's not the tune you were singing when you were begging me to teach you how to log on…

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Begging! I was not!

**Call_Me_Madame**: Whatever. Angelus, if you'd bother to learn about anything created after the Civil War, you might be able to manage these things better.

(**SockPuppet **joins _Family Time_ chat)

**Spike**: He told me I could stay up as late as I want and use the bloody computer. We had a deal!

**SockPuppet**: Daddy?

**Call_Me_Madame**: Drusilla, dear, aren't you supposed to be bathing?

**SockPuppet**: I'm all clean now, Mummy.

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Drusilla dearling…How's Daddy's best girl tonight?

**Call_Me_Madame**: Oh, she's your best girl?

**Spike**: *snogs Drusilla*

**Spike**: *Licks Drusilla's fingertips*  
**  
SockPuppet**: Stop, William. I just got out of the bath!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Darla, you're my best woman.

**Spike**: Besides Madame, you look shite in green…  
**  
ScourgeofEurope_264**: WILLIAM!

**SockPuppet**: Daddy! I have a question for you. It's rather urgent.

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Of course, Poppet. And what is it that you want to ask? Do you miss your Daddy?

**Spike**: She misses me, don't you, love?

**SockPuppet**: How could I miss you? You're right here!

**Call_Me_Madame**: Good point, Drusilla.  
**  
SockPuppet**: And besides, Mummy is rather entertaining, in her own way.

**Call_Me_Madame**: Thank you, dear. At least someone appreciates me…

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Of course, I appreciate you! I'm on this feckin' Internode for you, aren't I?

**Spike**: Yep, that's love. Particularly when he's too thick to actually know the name.

**Call_Me_Madame**: I'd read that internet anonymity emboldens people. I never thought I'd see it in action.

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: In a minute, I'm going to step away from the keyboard and beat William's arse for that bit of cheek.

**SockPuppet**: No, Daddy. I still have to ask you my question!

**Call_Me_Madame**: Angelus, let the wretched girl ask her question so she and William can go to bed. Maybe then we'll get half a moments peace.

**Spike**: I thought you two were here for a bit of left-handed typing!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: What in 9 hells does being left-handed have to do with this?

**Spike**: You really did pick a sick one, didn't you Madame? Galway's Rhodes Scholar, this one.

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Is he insulting me again?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: I've had just about enough of this shite!

**SockPuppet**: Daddy, is the internet really for porn?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Did she just say what I think she said?

**Spike**: Brilliant musical, luv!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: What? What's this crap? You're commenting on theater after Drusilla asked me about pornography?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: How does she even know about any of that?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Get in here so I can beat your arse!

**Spike**: Sorry, Pater. Using the Starbuck's Wi-Fi…

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: See what happens when you abandon me for a Paris shopping spree? The brat thinks he can do as he pleases.

**Call_Me_Madame**: Well, if you'd bother to keep tabs on him, this wouldn't happen to you.

**Call_Me_Madame**: Spike, why is Drusilla asking about internet pornography?

**Spike**: Don't get your  knickers in a twist, pet. It's a blood musical.  
**  
SockPuppet**: The internet is for porn, the internet is for porn, why you think the 'Net was born? PORN PORN PORN!  
**  
ScourgeofEurope_264**: Drusilla, stop that this instant!

**SockPuppet**: But, the fairies, Daddy!  
**  
ScourgeofEurope_264**: Fairies have nothing to do with this Drusilla!

**SockPuppet**: Yes, they do, Daddy.

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: And just what in do fairies have to do with this utter rubbish William's being teaching you about pornography?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Which he'll be paying for later, I might add.  
**  
SockPuppet**: The porn fairies, Daddy.  
**  
Call_Me_Madame**: You had to ask. I've warned you a dozen times. Don't ask. It never helps. But do you listen?

**Call_Me_Madame**: NO

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: What, by all the Master's minions, is a porn fairy?

**SockPuppet**: Oh, Daddy! They're lovely. All creamy and sweet and they make me tingle in the best places…  
**  
Spike**: Thought that was my job!

**Spike**: And don't try to blame this on me. She came up with this nonsense on her own.

**Spike**: Who ever heard of a sodding porn fairy, Dru?  
**  
SockPuppet**: Oh there are sodding ones.  
**  
SockPuppet**: But there are ones that like girls, too. And ones that like girls and boys at the same time.

**SockPuppet**: Porn fairies are terribly fickle, you know, William.

**Spike:** Like some girls I could mention!  
**  
SockPuppet**: Oh William, don't pout.  
**  
SockPuppet**: You can have one all your own.

**Call_Me_Madame**: That's it! Bedtime for all terribly ungrateful and irritating brats.

**SockPuppet**: Yay! We can stay up forever!

**Spike**: You heard the lady, Angelus! Off to beddys!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: I'm going to come down to that cheap excuse for a coffeehouse and wrap your guts around your throat.  
**  
Spike**: Promises, promises!

**SockPuppet**: DADDY!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Now what?

**SockPuppet**: My head is pasted on!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Darla, did you let you the lass feed off drunkards tonight?

**Call_me_Madame**: No drunkards. A few crack addicts perhaps...

**ScourgeofEurope_264: **You can be serious?!?

**Call_Me_Madame: **Of course not. Unlike some poor excuses for sires, I know how to take care of MY children.  
**  
Spike**: We're missing you terribly, Madam.

**Call_Me_Madame**: That's very sweet of you, William.

**Spike**: We're all sad and hungry and lonely.

**Call_Me_Madame: ** For that bit of adorable bootlicking, I'll only chain you for two days instead of the usual week.

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Oh, I see!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: When Darla makes a threat, you start behaving.

**Spike**: Not a bloody idiot, am I? The female of the species and all that, mate.

**Call_Me_Madame**: Perhaps it's because I actually carry out my threats, Angelus!  
**  
SockPuppet**: DADDY! My head!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Right. I've a good mind to let Madame have her way in this.

**Call_Me_Madame**: Let me?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: First, you fill Drusilla's head with this porn fairy nonsense.

**Call_Me_Madame: **How generous of you. I can see William will have some company while he's in chains...

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: And now she's talking shite about her head being pasted on…

**Call_Me_Madame**: I'm not so sure you can blame that on William.

**Call_Me_Madame**: After all, she might have come up with that one on her own…

**Spike**: Too bloody right she did!

**Spike**: Dru, luv, is your head pasted on straight?

**SockPuppet**: Hold on, let me check.

**Spike**: Well, that's bought us few minutes. She always forgets about the mirrors…

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: While she's off than, I want a serious word with you, lad!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: I can't believe you exposed that innocent lamb to dirty sordid pictures!  
**  
Spike**: Christ, mate! Warn a bloke before you make a joke like that!

**Spike**: I just spit coffee everywhere!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: I'M NOT JOKING!!1!1

**Call_Me_Madame:** Right. Because after your rape the girl and murder her entire family just for fun, pornography is the last thing she should have to endure!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Darla!

**Call_Me_Madame:** Oh goodie! You've learnt to spell my name.

**ScourgeofEurope_264:** This is our Dru we're talking about!

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: My sweet wee baby girl!

**Call_Me_Madame**: The same sweet wee baby girl you had chained to our bed while you took your pleasure in multiple orifices?

**Spike**: Ah, there's one for Hallmark! Wonder if they have a card…

**SockPuppet**: Spike, I checked!

**SockPuppet**: It is on straight.

**Spike**: Cheers, luv. No problems then!

**SockPuppet**: YAY!  
   
**Call_Me_Madame**: Angelus, since we obviously can't have an actual conversation here, I'm off to bed.

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Wait, what?

(**Call_Me_Madame** is offline)

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Just kick them out! Isn't there a way to lock the door or something?

**Spike:** Too late, old man. She's scarpered!

**SockPuppet**: Good night, Daddy! I hope the porn fairies bring you pleasant dreams!

(**Sockpuppet** is offline)

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Don't tell me you're leaving too, damn it!

**Spike**: Well, that's my cue. I've got a date with a blonde mochachino drinker.

**Spike**: It's brilliant how these birds are attracted to a bloke with a laptop.

(**Spike** is offline)

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Damn it, William! You can't leave me hanging here!

(**Bangel_Foreva** joins _Family Time _chat)

**Bangel_Foreva**:  ScourgeOfEurope_264? What are you, some Angel wannabe?

**ScourgeofEurope_264**: Fuck, I can't get away from you freaks!

(**ScourgeOfEurope_264 **is offline)  



End file.
